Sunday, May 15, 2011

Need to clear the cloudy fish tank of my mind with some writing. My blog is a place where I write lessons learned, and I'm learning some big new things about myself lately.  First of all, I figured out in the last few weeks that I'm not as healed as I thought.  In exploring friendships with men in particular, I've got a long way to go. I wouldn't allow myself male friendships to protect my marriage which I believe is appropriate, but somewhere along the line I stopped being open to any depth with the opposite sex.  Thankfully, I have a few good men around who are kind enough to work with me now.  In some ways, it's torn open some old deep wounds, and now I'm am figuring out how to stop the bleeding.  I am conflicted about how to proceed.  Last week in church, I was listening about one friendship in particular and God clearly spoke, "This is a gift for your healing."  Really?  How can this be?  I know it's stirred up a hornet's nest in me of lack I'd experienced in marriage.  I've doubted myself as a woman through heartbreaking words and actions done there.  Last week, I was told I needed to wipe that slate clean, and believe and trust in the lovely person that I am. I'm trying.  I really am.  I ask every day, "How can this be?"
   And on another subject, a while back in early April, my faith began to return.  Claire, J, and Dreamer gave a symphony of "I know you are mad at God, but it's time to get up and over."  They don't speak to one another, and I found it astounding they spoke to me in the same way in the very same week.  A voice of three had to be a Spirit thing, and I listened.  So, I dusted myself off from my four month long pity party, and stopped holding God responsible for all things hard or negative. I've sunk back into listening prayer and spiritual growth like a familiar old comfy easy chair.  It's a relief to allow myself to be a friend of God.  In hating God, I hated myself.  In loving God, I can look at my untidy self with the perspective of kindness again.