Sunday, August 19, 2012

Peace got sworn into the Air Force last week and is waiting to hear about when he will be assigned.  I hope to keep it together and not fall to pieces thinking about all that means.  I am satisfied with our relationship being so good at his impending departure.  In some ways, our recent closeness makes it more all the more painful for me as he prepares to fly. His precious girlfriend moved into her dorm  at Carson Newman, an hour away Friday, and I miss her presence around my house.  She's so everything I've wanted for my son, and if I have any perception left in me, I believe they are going to last. Peace and her entire family and her best friend settled her in...she had an entourage.  She called tonight saying she'd see me next weekend when she comes home to visit. Love that.

I'm in the middle of developing my relationship into something more with my person.  Relationships are fragile and complicated for me.  I want it all.  Everything.  It's what I'm willing to give.  I may come across as too much, but I'm not settling or overlooking anything this time. A friend of mine from work suggested he heard "me" in the song "Glass" by Thompson Square, and I think he's right on the money.  I am shaped by the light I let through me, and I am glass.  My participation in this new relationship has staggered and halted on my part so many times, because I don't want to be broken so wholly again.  Trusting in love is a new sport altogether for me.

Pooh Bear tried out for the local production of The Nutcracker yesterday.  Thanks to Svetlana, whose daughters participate every year, Pooh's dream of performing will be fulfilled.  Svet knows the ins and outs, the schedule, and can help Pooh Bear make it to practice when I cannot.  It also bears mentioning my girl did so well in trot at Nationals with the American Vaultling Association. Her courage astounds me.  This year she got a great teacher at school but is unhappy with not having a good friend in her class. 

Wise One switched from high school football to cross country after realizing he'd get to participate in the latter and practically never in the former.  He got good classes and great teachers. I see him putting effort and thought into this year already...something which did not happen last semester. So, so glad he is home, and I see joy in him. 

Tater changed schools and joined football there.  I pray he sticks to it! We talk sometimes, but I don't see him often enough as he lives with his dad.  I let it be his call which is the only way things work between us.

I try hard not to look back at what could have been still.  The changes over the last three years reflect in the eyes and habits of my children.  I'd describe this mostly as reluctant independence. God knows, if I could rewrite the past, I would.  I am writing feverishly a new life, a beautiful life after.  Now If I could just breathe...exhale as I watch my children grow into the people they will become.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Peace meets with an army man tonight. a dad from Scouts.  They are discussing the military as Peace wants to join the Air Force. Peace's taken the entrance exam and will be meeting with recruiters for the third time next week.  I'm not sure how much I've done wrong or right to have a son headed this direction.  He's more whole world minded than most people I know, and I'm not sure how that matches up with U.S. military folk. 

 The pacifist side of me knows I tried to raise a non-violent citizen of the world.  Turns out, he is such a person.  He loves diverse cultural experiences.  He values and respects differences. He hopes to get a position taking photos not shots in the airforce.  Is this possible?

  Part of me that knows I could only have a chance at being a pacifist, because there are men and women who lay down their own lives for my freedom every. single. day.  So, I'm proud my son would be that kind of individual.

  A few years ago when Peace mentioned his interest in the military, I made him watch any war movie I could get my hands on...Saving Private Ryan, Full Metal Jacket, Hot Locker.  He stopped talking about it for a while.  College visits and discussions took over.  As a senior this last year, he did a paper on drone airplanes in robotics class and revisited the service option.  He's moving forward slowly, so as not to choose a position without full understanding.  He wants a job that he will love, and the army man is helping him select at this moment.  


Sunday, April 22, 2012

Me, Peace, and sweet prom date.

My gorgeous Tater.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

What if a person was in a meeting and another makes a seemingly off-handed statement,  quite matter of factly as if it was common remark, yet it is a quote so relevant and meaningful, that the person wanted to stop all the good and orderly things going on just to create some space in silence to ponder.  What if that person, myself, came near to tears at the truth of it.   I wanted to put the world on pause, like a moment from a movie, when all the characters and action suddenly stopped while one character wondered about and processed inner thoughts aloud.

 But it was as if no one has heard, or everyone present else knew it.

Really?  Really.

So here it is for me to chew and devour as I like.

"For me, justice is just another word for healing."  Chris Woodhull

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Geez!  Where does the evening go?  Rushing by me into the plethora of big girl responsibilities.
Doing better this week loving the unlovely,
I have been loved so well.
Valentine's Celebrating lasted days, not just one, and I was utterly lavished.

Saturday I acted like a grown up.  Had a quaint dinner with friends and went for drinks afterwards, just like in the movies.  We attended to the Library, a tiny bar at the Oliver Hotel in downtown Kville.  The drink menu displayed in an encyclopedia, and the cheery beverages were named for literary characters like The Mr. Darcy and The Artful Dodger.  I had my first Mojito(s), and I'm sure I'll have another or several others in the future.  The fanciful woman who named all the drinks and I had a hoot of a conversation about an art film director stuck on realistic characters whom I said she could find at the Broadway Kroger anytime, day or night.  As usual, the company of friends and my love were delightful. 

Tonight has been spent thinking, washing and scrubbing.  Peace come down rather suddenly with a serious infection on his hip which may even be mrsa.  This was discovered after a trip to the ER, lancing, and a double whammy of vancomycin. YIKES!  All clothing, bedding, towels in laundry and bathrooms disinfected tonight.  I don't know if he meant to leave it out for me, but I read a stunning piece of fiction Peace wrote for class.  That young man can write. 

My girl, Pooh Bear, continues to reel from her life with divorced parents.  I had my usual Thursday elementary school lunch in which the beginning was spent welled up in her tears.  She has needs we cannot find ways to meet, so I'm doing my best to encourage her through it all.

Wise One continues on a steady path of good.

I'm at my usual loss for words concerning Tater.  One minute, he's calling me names which raise the hairs on the back of my neck. The next, he is saying, "Hey, momma.  What's up?"  and laughing. 

Work has been a different and better ballgame with the event of a wonderful, steady, thoughtful new boss.  And with the inappropriate co-worker moved out to another department, I could not ask for more.  Except money.  More money.  And benefits.  Those are always welcome.

Looking forward to a weekend with my love and children.  Also have the privilege of sitting in on a friend's discernment committee for priesthood.

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I'm not inspired to write about anything in particular.  I'll just journal thoughts for the day.  I'm struggling.  Wrestling and not winning at loving the unlovely.  For example, a neighbor has let his chaos loose on my home by not taking care of his own business.  I sat in church Sunday praying for him and for my heart to bless his home instead of all the curses I've been shooting through my glaring eyes his way and in my wicked thoughts.  There is another person I shall not be rid of who has tortured me endlessly with thoughtlessness,sarcasm, carelessness and blatant unkindness.  I've prayed for my heart to let go for a long while now, and for the first time in a very long time, I saw a little light...but not in myself.  Hoping it's something of not giving up on asking for God's help.  I've had another setback with someone I love dearly and again have no recourse to change the situation on my own.  I'm not fond of single womanhood and it's multitude of impossible responsibilities. Of all issues, money and car problems cut me to the core, and it's been a few months chalk full of 'em.  Not fond of fraction homework either.  Too many balls get dropped I never knew existed and certainly did not want to lose.  Plenty do single so much better than myself.

   I do have some blessings in my life now for which I am grateful. My son, Wise One, continues to do well. The friends he stayed with last spring and summer got him firmly past his disdain for this, his family. He is actually fun to be around. More blessings. I now have two particular people who daily look out for me and my best interest in practical ways.  Pooh Bear has a "second mother", Miriam.  Miriam does not let her own set of excruciating personal challenges stop her from being available when we are in need, desperate or otherwise.  I remember crying on her front porch when I realized I couldn't be there for Pooh Bear in a hard situation, and Miriam stepped up to the plate with, "As long as I am around, your daughter will always be taken care of when you cannot."  My other person is a man who is teaching me about true love and faithfulness as I've never known before.  He gives sound advice without ever telling me what to do. He is a great listener.  He rescues me (and my children) from difficult situations at times. I appreciate his perspective on the trials of single fatherhood, so I might gain understanding and compassion where I lack. He can fix anything, and says he intends to fix me.  He knows how to make living fun, free, and easy.  Balances out my high strung, intense, volatile personality.  

Monday, January 02, 2012


I answer the phone
Conjuring interest in an unknown caller

I may know this soul,
or it may be a stranger.

Today I am a receptionist.

May I help you?
With whom would you like to speak?
One moment please.
Fascinated for the second of connection.
Lingering is not accomplishing.
Friendly, only brief.
I am not permitted tbe time to
ask about the wife
who has cancer,
or the child's graduation.
That would gum up the whole process
now wouldn't it?
Love must be given in a snapshot.
No feature length films today.