Tuesday, February 07, 2012

I'm not inspired to write about anything in particular.  I'll just journal thoughts for the day.  I'm struggling.  Wrestling and not winning at loving the unlovely.  For example, a neighbor has let his chaos loose on my home by not taking care of his own business.  I sat in church Sunday praying for him and for my heart to bless his home instead of all the curses I've been shooting through my glaring eyes his way and in my wicked thoughts.  There is another person I shall not be rid of who has tortured me endlessly with thoughtlessness,sarcasm, carelessness and blatant unkindness.  I've prayed for my heart to let go for a long while now, and for the first time in a very long time, I saw a little light...but not in myself.  Hoping it's something of not giving up on asking for God's help.  I've had another setback with someone I love dearly and again have no recourse to change the situation on my own.  I'm not fond of single womanhood and it's multitude of impossible responsibilities. Of all issues, money and car problems cut me to the core, and it's been a few months chalk full of 'em.  Not fond of fraction homework either.  Too many balls get dropped I never knew existed and certainly did not want to lose.  Plenty do single so much better than myself.

   I do have some blessings in my life now for which I am grateful. My son, Wise One, continues to do well. The friends he stayed with last spring and summer got him firmly past his disdain for this, his family. He is actually fun to be around. More blessings. I now have two particular people who daily look out for me and my best interest in practical ways.  Pooh Bear has a "second mother", Miriam.  Miriam does not let her own set of excruciating personal challenges stop her from being available when we are in need, desperate or otherwise.  I remember crying on her front porch when I realized I couldn't be there for Pooh Bear in a hard situation, and Miriam stepped up to the plate with, "As long as I am around, your daughter will always be taken care of when you cannot."  My other person is a man who is teaching me about true love and faithfulness as I've never known before.  He gives sound advice without ever telling me what to do. He is a great listener.  He rescues me (and my children) from difficult situations at times. I appreciate his perspective on the trials of single fatherhood, so I might gain understanding and compassion where I lack. He can fix anything, and says he intends to fix me.  He knows how to make living fun, free, and easy.  Balances out my high strung, intense, volatile personality.  

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