Sunday, August 19, 2012

Peace got sworn into the Air Force last week and is waiting to hear about when he will be assigned.  I hope to keep it together and not fall to pieces thinking about all that means.  I am satisfied with our relationship being so good at his impending departure.  In some ways, our recent closeness makes it more all the more painful for me as he prepares to fly. His precious girlfriend moved into her dorm  at Carson Newman, an hour away Friday, and I miss her presence around my house.  She's so everything I've wanted for my son, and if I have any perception left in me, I believe they are going to last. Peace and her entire family and her best friend settled her in...she had an entourage.  She called tonight saying she'd see me next weekend when she comes home to visit. Love that.

I'm in the middle of developing my relationship into something more with my person.  Relationships are fragile and complicated for me.  I want it all.  Everything.  It's what I'm willing to give.  I may come across as too much, but I'm not settling or overlooking anything this time. A friend of mine from work suggested he heard "me" in the song "Glass" by Thompson Square, and I think he's right on the money.  I am shaped by the light I let through me, and I am glass.  My participation in this new relationship has staggered and halted on my part so many times, because I don't want to be broken so wholly again.  Trusting in love is a new sport altogether for me.

Pooh Bear tried out for the local production of The Nutcracker yesterday.  Thanks to Svetlana, whose daughters participate every year, Pooh's dream of performing will be fulfilled.  Svet knows the ins and outs, the schedule, and can help Pooh Bear make it to practice when I cannot.  It also bears mentioning my girl did so well in trot at Nationals with the American Vaultling Association. Her courage astounds me.  This year she got a great teacher at school but is unhappy with not having a good friend in her class. 

Wise One switched from high school football to cross country after realizing he'd get to participate in the latter and practically never in the former.  He got good classes and great teachers. I see him putting effort and thought into this year already...something which did not happen last semester. So, so glad he is home, and I see joy in him. 

Tater changed schools and joined football there.  I pray he sticks to it! We talk sometimes, but I don't see him often enough as he lives with his dad.  I let it be his call which is the only way things work between us.

I try hard not to look back at what could have been still.  The changes over the last three years reflect in the eyes and habits of my children.  I'd describe this mostly as reluctant independence. God knows, if I could rewrite the past, I would.  I am writing feverishly a new life, a beautiful life after.  Now If I could just breathe...exhale as I watch my children grow into the people they will become.


Hope said...

Lots of changes for you - just wanted to let you know that I read this post and am thinking of you.

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