After a year of keeping things under wraps here on my blog, I wonder if it's time to be more open. Monday was the one year anniversary of the day the wheels fell completely off the old painted wagon of my twenty-one year marriage. That day, I had to decide between looking square at myself with dignity each morning in the mirror, or sucking it up, again, and finding a way to live without having the value of a full fledged human being. I'd already lived through humiliation and horror for all the years before, and for me, I couldn't imagine staying with something even God Himself gave permission for me to let go.
One cannot fathom the circumstances, weeping, and counseling which would lead a woman of faith like myself to choose divorce. I'll spare you the details; some are simply unspeakable.
Though it was right and good for me to divorce, I know the worst of it always lands smack dab on children. My boys and girl have been no exception. I have never bought the idea that children are resilient, and I get hoppin' mad when people suggest such a thing. Divorce is damaging every. single. time. My three young men have struggled with their idea of a biblical manhood being shoved over a rocky cliff and shattered into a million little pieces. I've watched my oldest change from wide-eyed and hopeful to cynical and somewhat jaded. He's going to have to shelve all he once knew and find a faith of his very own amidst deep pain. My middle son with attachment issues has jumped off the deep end and gone places I'd always feared. Imagine the fragmentation of one family, and then a second. My youngest son holds it all in and explodes likes fireworks on the fourth of July on rare occasions. My daughter desperately wants one thing- parents who genuinely love one another in every way...something she'll never have. What did any child of mine ever do to deserve having his or her world torn asunder, only to watch while the two formative adults in their lives tape broken hearts and lives into separate pieces? It's incredibly unfair and utterly disorienting.
Of course, being who I am, I have not done things the normal way 'round in hope and prayer. Though it sounds absurd, I was so glad to have TV Jon and Kate providing a way for me to think outside of the box. Jon and Kate made a permanent residence for their eight kids, so the children would have a HOME while the parents moved in and out themselves for visitation. Buck and I struck an agreement to provide something less Hollywood for our children under strict guidelines. Buck lives in an apartment in my new house, and we share parenting as our work schedules dictate.
I've lived in a state of grace this year. God has faithfully whispered His Will to me as I intently listened, and He has provided all I have needed. Buck and I are daily respectful of one another. We seek family counseling. The cooperation between us has lead many to question the sincerity of my divorce. Make no mistake. Just because I will not undermine the father of my children, I am divorced and have no intention of reconciliation. If anyone besides my children hopes or thinks otherwise, it is heaping insult to injury to me, and I will have none of it.
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