A Message Not Sent

I did not send it. I would have to take out all of me and shoot much higher toward something Jesus offers.  I won't send it, but writing it down helps me understand myself.

"Why do you keep coming?   It certainly can’t be the warm reception of people glad to meet you.  How ironic that you would disrespectfully come in late, look directly at me, and instantly once recognition came, you added some kind of unkindness to your expression.   I noticed afterward your head down and how you refused to make eye contact. With anyone. Were you ashamed?  You sat off by yourself, to yourself.  Why bother?  Why come?  Are you making some kind of statement?  What circumstances would you want me to come to your son or daughter’s wedding?  I know that answer and sincerely wonder why you would welcome yourself to my oldest son’s most important day?   While you couldn’t have possibly ruined the moment for me, the glimpse of your happy yellow dress reminded me of your harsh judgment of who I am.   How could you come looking like a daisy on the outside with a heart of darkness towards me on the inside?  Deep down do you believe my children wanted you there?  Do you think it is difficult for them at all?  You have not made an effort to share yourself with them on any occasion, yet you appear on this day?  Whomever he chooses will need to overcome the destruction of his past and assure my children that more is not to come.  If not, they could never really love and trust.  Are you up for that?  Do you even care about that essential work of reconciliation?

A few years ago, when I first heard of you, I actually took up for you.  Rooted for you even. I prayed God would give him a good woman, who would help him through his pain and mess. When I learned of you, I thought this could be such an opportunity for his healing and wholeness.  I hoped you would bring peace to him and therefore my children. I told him from the beginning of the divorce process I wanted good things for him and his life, and I meant it.  I still mean it now.   I had no reason what so ever to believe that you would hold prejudice against me.  However, I understand you have said bitter things without even knowing me- how selfish I am.  If you ever tried to get to l know me, heard my heart and could still say the same things I’d understand, but we have never exchanged a spoken or written word.  Where do you judgments come from?  Who I am is easily known if you would have eyes to see beyond ONE wounded man’s opinion.  I understand we have mutual friends that might be glad to talk with you about me.  Ask them your hardest questions.  I have not one skeleton in my closet.  

Perhaps you think you are 'being there' for him- as if his dad isn't right at his side.  Is that enough to justify bringing ANY hint of animosity and distance to a joyful event?     

I would welcome love and kindness to any occasion.  If you would like to try, I am open.  If not, please consider that family events concern others beyond him and you."