I'm Still Here

It's been years.  I've abandoned writing altogether for such a long while.  I suppose I got complacent.  Over the weekend, I attended The Evolving Faith Conference in North Carolina, and if there is anything that can light a fire of inspiration of fire under me, it's listening to a dozen radically, humble, gifted people (women mostly) preach openly about peace-making, social justice, loss and gain of new faith, and politics.  So, here I am again. 

To quote one of the speakers, Austin Channing Brown, "I'm still here."

I'm still here and so very changed.

Here is my honest clan update.  My oldest son Peace served in the U.S. Airforce while married to his high school sweetheart.  He finished his service a year ago and now lives a few miles down the road.  We often do very nerdy sweet things together like share meals, watch a series together (holding our breath till A Handmaid's Tale begins again in the spring), and take our dogs to the dog park together.

My second son has struggled with life and relationships, sent every bridge ablaze and burned us all to the ground, and is now in sober living in California, thousands of miles from our Tennessee home.  Hopefully he's doing the hard work of self-examination which may one day lead to reconciliation with the people he's utterly squashed and devastated here.  He has a long hard road ahead.  Despite that, I'd say he and I have a very loving relationship via Facetime, and I'm happy for that connection.  He's such a charasmatic beautiful young man. 

My third son is living his college dream at MTSU.  He lives in a house of great friends which they have dubbed "The Fish Tank" which I am sure is quite a mother's cleanliness nightmare.  We meet in other tidy places like the restaurant where he finally got his dream job of bar tending.  He's paying his own way, so he doesn't come home much.  When he does, his brother, sister in law, sister, and I all converge on the poor child and smother him with love, attention, homemade meal, shopping and special trips. 

My girl, Pooh Bear,  is a junior at a small public lottery school here in town which she loves.  It's a perfect fit for her ambitious self.  She mostly runs, studies, works as a bus girl, and hangs out with me and her boyfriend and our pets. Together we love all squishes (babies) and animals who happen to cross our path.  I love our life together, and I am madly preparing to sob at every single "last event" next year, her senior year.  When she sets off to college, it will feel to me like having my heart surgically removed.

Thankfully, my second husband, Lesk will make sure that does not happen.  We've been married five years, and oh how he loves me and I him.  I met him at my previous job and "a drink or a bite to eat" turned into forever.  He is cautious, grounding, concerned, thoughtful, passionate, and maybe even more stubborn than myself.  He takes incredible care of Pooh Bear, myself, our cars, and our home.  Lesk is THE gift and saving grace of a life smashed and scattered by heartbreak and divorce.  I can honestly say I'm grateful to have a do-over with the very best man I've ever known. Also, if I had it all to do all over again, this is exactly how I'd do it.  The path makes me careful to appreciate and acknowledge what has brought me to the point, and I could not ask for more.  Thankfully, he, myself and my first husband, Buck have a good relationship, especially where our children are concerned.  Buck and Lesk remain generous and caring to all.  Buck is also remarried to a precious soul now.

I am still here.

As for being so very changed, it's this life surrounded on all sides by love and care that keeps me grounded and facing toward the sun.