Saturday, November 06, 2010

Thinking things through lately about this different and beautiful life I'm creating and feeling like it's not where I'd like to be.  I've tied up a few loose ends this week knowing there is more end tying to come.  Still haven't sold the farm- not a great market for sellers at present.  It's a dangling bit of unfinished business I'd give anything to resolve.  Then there are the constant unraveling issues which arise with  children and their needs. 

I cannot be the mom I want to be. 

Peace needs to be looking seriously at colleges, and I don't have time to invest in that like I'd hoped.  I see him trying to be responsible for far too much, and I can't stop it.  Tater is in an okay place now but not much is being asked of  him.  He's trying on his skin and issues surrounding his race for the first time lately.  He's raised questions about having siblings he doesn't know.  Wise One shows shades of darkness I've never seen before, and I don't know where to go with that.  Pooh Bear says her stomach hurts all. the. time.  She didn't have any issues over the summer, but boy howdy, when school hit, she began hurting like the previous school year.  And it's not to get out of anything- it's her absorbing the stress and harshness of school. 

Thankfully, we have good counselors, but lately the amount feels overwhelming.  Three recent session in the last week and a half makes for other things going undone. I knew divorce would not be good for my children, and it is not. 

I want more time with my sons and daughter.

Last week, when I left work to watch Peace's last cross country race, he thanked me three. separate. times.  I eat lunch at school with Pooh Bear once a week, and that in itself breaks my heart.  We had all our meals together just last year.  If I want a conversation with Wise One, I have to ask him to remove his ipod headphones.  He's always been introverted, but I worry he's holding in too much. Tater at least needs me to give him rides to and from his plethora of sports and other activities, and he talks more than a girl to me.  However, his adoption issues get in his way daily.

 I miss the time I could devote to them, and now I have to tell myself, "God will have to take care of that" with not as much faith with which I'd like to pray.  And there is the general reduction of time for remembering my own spirit to boot.

 In so many ways, I'm blessed.  The boys are making it solidly through the teen years without hitting the big problems so far.  All are strong and decently centered people.  May God keep it so.

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