Saturday, January 08, 2011

Made it through the holiday season- barely.  Wise One took an emotional nose dive somewhere in November, and it has rocked, shaken, and tested my faith like never before.  It's official- not one of kids is "resilient" as they say.  Pooh Bear is the only one who hasn't gone through a time of utter hate for me and what I've done to our family.  She may some day when she is older.  It became completely overwhelming when all three boys hit that I-can't-stand-my-mom thing all at once.  I can't stand me either.  I'm emotionally and physically exhausted, and it shows in every way. 

  Wise One desperately needed an adolescent counselor, making a total of three kids in therapy with different counselors.  His counselor recommended Buck move to his own place to give Wise One a more definite sense of divorce.  Dr. G. explained kids are way more black and white, and it might help dig Wise One out the hole of depression he'd entered if he had more normalcy.  So, Buck  and Tater have moved.  Surprisingly, it has helped me enter some deeper healing I hadn't let myself do.  I can imagine it is the same for Wise One as well.  After two months of full on disgust with me, he gave me permission to clean his room tonight.  No small accomplishment, since he was sure he couldn't trust me with his stuff until now.  I spent hours weeding out clothes, sorting things, and collecting trash.  I wonder what his response will be tomorrow when he gets home from his dad's?

  Tater comes to visit a few times a week, and makes mayhem.  He spend the entire time saying, "That is stupid.  Dad lets me do that, and I don't have to do what you say anymore."  Terrific.  Hopefully, this will get better with time, since I tow the same line I always have. 

  Peace drove himself to work for the first time tonight.  He called me when he got there safely and when he left to come home.  God bless his conscientious heart!  I love his caution and carefulness.  His work is just a few miles down the road, but this is such a big accomplishment and relief to me to have another driver coming up in the ranks.  Last night, it worked out that I could take him to dinner alone, and we had the best heart to heart talk we've had in a long time.    I got to see a clear picture again that his compassion and kindness are still rooted firmly in place. 

  At times I wonder if the damage done to my children will be redeemed. Makes the gap, the chasm, in my faith more visible doesn't it?  If my children are redeemed, it obviously won't have anything to do with me- only the grace of God. Peace's conversation with me last night shined a little light on my dark heart. 

  I'm reading Angela Thomas' book My Single Mom Life  which a thoughtful friend gave to me along with a basketful of goodies for Christmas.  I am amazed at her insight and perspective.  She's spot on when it comes to feelings, and I'm trying my best to learn from her "lessons learned".  I'll pass the book on to the next single mom who asks...let me know if you think you'd like this type of good read.

1 comment:

Hope said...

It would have been good for my kids to have gone through a period of hating me when they lived at home. DH and I stayed together so it's not the same thing but maybe your kids need for individuation is being fueled through their feelings about the divorce. I'm just guessing. I have no idea.I was 38 years old before I individuated.

My daughter is living with her boyfriend who has no desire for kids. I've gone through various emotions and come to several conclusions. One of which was that I'd wanted her to have kids so that I could be redeemed. So that she could see that I had really, really tried to be a good mother.