Tuesday, September 20, 2005

The Dig

I've been waiting for the pathology results from my physician about the waxy small mole I had removed from the skin over my clavicle last week. Mostly, I didn't pine over it, but Sunday I had a long talk with myself about what I'd do differently if my days are suddenly shorter than I'd hoped. The talk contained my thoughts of how to love my family and friends much better than I have today; about the legacy I desire to leave behind. I already try to live closely to the ideal, but I blow it almost daily. Somehow, could terminal cancer mysteriously give me the self discipline I lack now? One conclusion I came to in my chat with myself is that I would spend some of my life insurance money doing things with my family and dear friends that we'd have to save and plan for now. Another conclusion is that I do already possess what I need to love better- I just need to practice it. More.

I called Helen to say I was making a list of ways she'd have to become the mother to my children if I kicked off early. She told me I'd just better stick around. When I talked to my dear husband about fears of melanoma, he mustered a large sigh in the form of a mildly cross (not cross with me, just the idea) "Hmmm." Later he mentioned, "I expressly forbid you from having a lethal form skin cancer." I do love the sense of humor surrounding me, warmly letting me know I am loved. I count for something.

What is it about the prospect of death that makes me take a closer look at life? Why do this digging in the dirt of my soul?

Today I got the call that the growth is NOT melanoma, but it is a mild cancer formation known as basal cell carcinoma. The edges of the removed portion do not contain cancer free cells, so I must go let the doc cut around till no more basal cells are left. Otherwise, I'd be putting myself at risk for the more harmful and invasive skin cancers. I'm ever so grateful my life is not threatened at this moment, but I don't look forward to more digging on the outside of my body. I'm still thinking through the digging I've done in this process on my insides.

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