Revolution

Buck and I have declared a revolution which began yesterday. We made no official announcement or proclamation, but we are “flipping the family script” so to speak. Somehow, sarcasm, harsh talking and anger have infiltrated our relationships, and Buck and I resolved to become peace makers who quietly live what we ask of our children. Together we’ve sworn off adult temper flares, cutting remarks, and irritated responses to our offspring. Nothing like a sideways “You are bothering me. Go!” comment when a “Please give me some time to get back with you.” will do just fine.

Of course, this morning, the second day of the revolution began with a test. Though Buck or I did not ask him to, Tator woke up Wise One by steamrolling all over snoozing Wise One and demanding, “Get up and get to your chores now!” The crushing awakening somehow sparked an outburst from both Wise One and Tator.

Wise One shouted from under our family prayer table, “I don’t want to be with my brothers. They are so MEAN!”

Me, “Sweetheart, come let me hold you this morning. Let’s work out a better start.” He wouldn’t take the snuggle bait.

So, I asked Tator and Wise One to come sit together and work it out.
Tator exclaimed, “But I didn’t ROLL on him. I just SAT on his bed.” to which Wise One exploded, “Yes, you did roll on me!”

Here’s where the revolution comes in. When Tator won’t admit his stuff, I get ugly. I say things to him like, “You KNOW you did something to hurt Wise or he wouldn’t be so mad! Just tell him sorry!” I felt the proverbial rubber hitting the road and opted to keep my promise to Buck.

Wise One grumped a little more and Tator again skirted responsibility until I asked them both in my best kind voice, “Loves, just go back to your beds until you can figure out how to resolve this. Tator I know you are the kind of person who knows how to take responsibility when someone is upset with you. ” Wise One thumped back to his room while Tator skipped joyfully to his bed.

“Wait a minute. Something is wrong with this picture,” I thought to myself when thinking over these two opposing reactions.

Oh, yeah, Tator loves being sent to his room, so I had to come up with a better plan, “Tator, I changed my mind. Grab your coat and whatever else you need, and sit on the porch.” He doesn’t really care for the rushing winds of winter as much as he does the shelf full of books and relaxation of his bed. A little fresh air couldn’t hurt the boy, right?

I heard Tator’s footsteps, but they did not head to the front door. Instead they moved towards Wise One’s room. Within seconds my boys were best buddies again as Tator apologized for such an abrupt wake up call to Wise. Shortly after, I apparently interrupted their secret plan with their little sister to make Christmas cards for me. You should hear the sweet sounds of craft-making and creation streaming from the kitchen at this moment.

So, why declare such a revolution? One reason is that I don’t want to lose our children. More clearly stated, I don’t want to lose their hearts. Peace becomes a teenager in a month and a half. Soon, Buck and I will have only the power our teens are willing to give us, and we want to be the safe haven to which our children run. If we are not “safe” people, my children will run elsewhere. In the few times I’ve watched Dr. Phil, I recognize relationships as being “the soft place to fall”, and I saw Buck and I becoming stubborn and hard when soft and listening accomplishes so much more.

Another reason I want to change my strategy is that I do not like who I am or what I become when I am harsh with someone else, especially a child.

Buck and I met Tuesday night for a pep talk from our friend Claire. She told Buck and I the story of her previously angry son who has turned into a hunk o’ burning love through the same kind of revolution. Believe it or not, for two years, Claire kept her temper and tongue in a concerted effort to transform him into the person he was always meant to be. I hope you have the opportunity to meet him someday. He’s someone I admire for his genuine love and compassion for humankind.

Last night, Buck and I asked our care group if we can call them for immediate intervention when he or I feel tempted to drink, I mean use sarcasm or insensitive words with our children. Claire has made herself available as our sponsor.

Ask me how it’s going sometimes to keep me in check. I promise, I’ll give it to you straight.