Friday, October 05, 2007

Adoption Issues Continued

More Remedy
What has truly worked to answer these two questions of adopted children?
1. Do you still love me if...?
2. Who's got the power?

Last January, February, and March, I cancelled every single activity for myself and for my children and focused on healing. I gave up three of my favorite things, including a get-away with four of the most fabulous women on the planet. With God's help, together my family and I created a complex system to guide us. It helped tremendously, and I discovered the most valuable tool of all in answering the adoption questions- understanding.

When I took the time to figure out the source of every irk or anger episode in my adopted son, he flourished. Together we kept answering the question, "What am I so mad about?". It was not easy, and still is not easy, to get to the bottom of his pain.

The intense focus had to end sometime, and I think he's suffering a bit from my lack of focus. For me, those months amounted to submersion under water and away from many things I love, and I needed air and refreshing at some point. As a result, I am very conscious about the fact that everything I do outside the home- dance group, homeschool support groups, book studies, evenings out with friends, projects, writing, teaching, come with a steep price tag for my son more than anyone else. I do not stop and help him examine his feelings like we did in those months, because I have other things on the forefront of my mind. I seem to always have an agenda which too often gets in the way of guiding him through relationship.

Blogging about it makes me want to become more aware of seeking understanding with Tater again. I have learned to spot the two questions by a quick observation- Tater looks angry or frustrated by a common circumstance. When I'm busy in any other way, I become impatient with his impatience. When I'm focused, I think, "Hey! Another learning moment for the boy!"

Just today, Buck helped Tater through a selfish moment by working for a solution in which everyone would be content. It took some time. Buck was careful and kind with his words even though Tater was not. Buck and I allowed silence to let the boy feel the weight of his self-centered choice, but eventually Tater came up with something satisfying for all concerned.

I think I'll stop here for today, and write continue another time.


kddub said...

yes please continue, I am learning so much from these posts...

I don't have any adopted children, but I have a very passionate, 5 year old, who is very close to his daddy, and his daddy travels a lot for work. (at this present time he's away for a month and a half) Anyways my son acts out when he's away. He gets wild, or angry easy, or cries easy. Everyone (well intentioned) around me is constantly saying that I need to make sure that I am taking time for myself. While I do feel that is important, I feel like it causes me to focus on myself and what I am wanting to do, and what I can't do.
It seems that if I change my focus and block out other things, and my own neediness, and focus on what he needs at this time to feel secure, it might help the situation, do you think?
(sorry so long... I just relate in some way)

truevyne said...

Wow, kddub. I am sure the issues I face with my Tater are merely amplified versions of relational issues in families all around, and I certainly can see how you relate. Boys are amazing and wired so differently than we females, right?
What I didn't say in the post is that I got tender mercies from God each day I gave up something for my children.