Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Perfect Food

I conducted a little experiment today.

I bought The Perfect Food at the health food store at a cost of the low, low price of $35.99. It's just one step down from juicing all the green veggies you need for the day in an easy powdered drink. The container is supposed to last a few weeks, but I have a feeling it make take me a bit more time to consume.

I grabbed the kitchen scissors to cut off the plastic seal, unscrewed the lid, and peeled back the safety and freshness seal. At which point I was assaulted with a fishy grass smell. I gazed down at the fine powder which likened itself to the kelp I give my goats occasionally. My caprines gobble their kelp like Christmas candy, so why would I just love this mix myself?

I found a large cup and scooped in two tablespoons of pale green flakes. I poured on 8 ounces of bottled water. Who in their right mind would use tap water with the Perfect Food?
I stirred and water turned fresh forest green instantly. Glob balls of green dust burst to the surface, and before long, I was holding in my hands, what resembled the primordial soup from whence we came.

Right then and there I knew I needed distraction to coax me through the process of drinking it. I got two books and some writing and sat them beside my glass. Two books in case one lacked the inspiration it would take to finish the concoction. Writing because I planned for my muse to appear beaming before me after such a healthy and fulfilling activity. I read a few sentences from the first book while I downed my first gulps. "Not bad" I thought as the liquid poured into my throat.... that is "Not bad" until I stopped drinking. The aftertaste was of kelp in fact with hints, I mean blasts of broccoli and spinach interspersed. While I like the latter two vegetables just fine, I wouldn't dream of imbibing the water I've just steamed them in. I read another paragraph to occupy my shaken thoughts in preparation for my second go round of gulps. After which I gagged. I put the book aside in order to speed up the daunting task and soldiered through more of the liquid after which I gagged more seriously. The fourth swig I threw up in my hands. Enough to concern my niece noticing my green covered face, sleeves, hands dripping with gunk as I dashed for the kitchen sink.

I readied a granola bar to shove in my mouth hoping to combat the aftertaste of the dregs in the cup. I threw up granola and green ooze into the shiny stainless steel bowl and washed all my sorrows away with the clear flowing water from the faucet.

I now have further insight into the profound saying, "Goats will eat anything."

How can this be the Perfect Food if it tastes so very awful?

Perhaps I will successfully get rid of the aftertaste today with the delicate blend of peanut butter, spaghetti O's, and bananas, and milk. If that doesn't work I'll try limburger cheese. Okay, I've never eaten limburger, but I've smelled it, and more than likely it could take on kelp and grass flavors.

Tomorrow I might try to eat the powder straight from the tablespoon washed down quickly with eight ounces of pure spring water, followed by a dainty puke.

So, stay turned for another exciting episode of Girl verses the Perfect Food. It costs too much to waste.

Now, please excuse me while I go wash the chlorophyll off my stained shirt sleeves.


unquenchableworshipper said...

I always heard it was best served sprinkled on chili cheese fries.

the Perfect Food... OOHHH YEAH!

SmileDragon said...

Oh man, that's awful.

thicket dweller said...

The perfect food? The potato. Especially if it's fried or covered in sour cream, butter and cheese.

Scott said...

Buick. Ack. Blech.