Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Bet your day is better than mine

Just so you can have a moment of thankfulness for your perhaps ordinary day, I thought I'd tell you about mine. You'll feel better than I do. I promise. I'm having a colonoscopy in the morning, so today is the day I must clear my digestive tract. Completely. It began yesterday with what I'll refer to as the white death diet- NO grains, nuts, vegetables, or fruits. However, white rice, white bread, English muffins, white crackers made the cut. I'm one of those "naturalist" as my gastrointerologist affectionately calls me, who quite regularly grinds wheat and bakes whole wheat bread, and call my a nut, but I'm absolutely crazy about vegetables. Amazingly enough, my doc finds my bent toward healthy foods to be unusual. Why not just take a multivitamin and eat hotdogs and chips the rest of the day?

And before I went to bed last night, I had the privilege of ingesting three seemingly harmless and tiny laxative pills. Apparently the trio packed a punch, because by the time my alarm went off at 6:00am, in agony I called my workout buddy, "Don't expect me at the gym in a few minutes, I have a serious date with the bathroom for the rest of the day."

I don't get to eat anything today unless I can dissolve or drink it, and even then the "food" cannot be red or blue. Who in their right mind likes lemon jello?

And I will not inform my doctor that I bought certified organic broth.

For lunch I got to drink Magnesium Citrate which tasted like metal in lemonade superconcentrate mix without nearly enough water. It's permissible to mix this disgusting cocktail with sprite and ice, or I'd have hurled the bottle in its entirety. At 3:00 pm I get to drink 32 ounce of GlycoLax with emphasis on the Lax.
At 9:00 pm, I'll get to gulp more Magnesium Citrate. So, please, for me, go enjoy the heck out of your day. I'll be folding laundry in between fifty-two fantastic trips to the washroom.


unquenchableworshipper said...

You win.. your day is worse.
I'll be home to the rescue in no time though...

truevyne said...

Yes, but will you bring me chocolate and Johnny Carino citrus pasta?

SmileDragon said...

That sounds awful! So, your dr thinks it's weird that you eat veggies so much, I think that's weird! When I went on an organic vegitarian diet I felt so healthy! I lost weight, my face cleared up, my attitude got better, I had much more energy, my trips to the bathroom weren't nearly as "unplesant," I was overall much healthier.

Hope you feel better after this is all over!

Running2Ks said...

I remember having to drink a horrible salty gatorade-type thing. UGH!