I dreamed last night that I was anxious. I woke up with my brain spinning and my heart racing. That's no way to start a day. I'm considering that perhaps my dream let me know that I have some work to do on being kind to myself- just when I thought I had that part down. Honestly, it's something of a crisis of faith. A few weeks ago, I spent some time with people who inspire me,and I missed old working life, and I haven't held a weekly job for fifteen years now. I tell myself that parenting four children should be enough to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something important, but I find myself questioning just how well I'm doing even raising my sons and daughter. I do need to work on self criticism, eh?
When I ponder the words, "Be anxious for nothing", I realize I have a long way to go. "Nothing" is a big challenge when even my dreams are full of anxiety. This morning I'm concentrating on how worry never adds a moment to my life. In fact, worry just distracts from the beauty at hand- the lush green pastures surrounding me, the bright morning sun burning off the dew, the lovely zinnias popping up through the weeds in my gardens, the smile on my daughter's face beckoning me to have girly fun, the pregnant does baaing as they approach kidding time, the surly roosters chasing about the hens and one another.
So, how do I meet my need of being among passionate adults working for a cause when I've chosen a retreated lifestyle? I wish I knew.
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